'Gay-on-gay bullying'

This piece was originally published in full on SameSame.com.au, Sunday 27th September, available here.

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People often fall under the impression that the gay community is one harmonious union of likeminded souls, singing jamboree tunes and embracing one another in the spirit of love and equality. The reality couldn’t be further from the truth.

Some of us are bitchy, toxic and unkind. And when we hit – we hit hard.

Once you were a young boy. You crawled through life, hiding in the shadows, isolated from the rest of your peers. The truth was, you were in the closet, and nothing struck fear into your heart more than the idea of someone finding out. No power on Earth, you promised yourself, would force you out into the open.

Then, one day, your world fell apart, as through one circumstance or another, your sexuality was revealed. You were at the mercy of antagonistic bullies, who lashed out with all the vitriol that teenagers are capable of. The rest of your high school years went in a blur. You were beaten, bashed and battered – but ultimately, you survived, and sprung out into adulthood.

That’s when you discovered the gay community.

Coming from a world where you are not accepted, into a collective that takes you in without question, can be a shock to the system. Especially when the mutual ground you have with these newfound friends and acquaintances is based in something you were attacked over for your whole life. It can feel like you’ve been liberated – finally! A chance to prove myself! A chance to be whoever I want to be!

But it can also feel like high school all over again.

This may be because in our re-introduction to the world – the new world that we promise ourselves will see us transform into self-affirming superstars – we subconsciously endeavour to compensate for all that we lacked in our teen years.

“I see it all the time. Gay-on-gay bullying. Bitching and drama and adolescent chaos.”

Gay men, who were once pimpled and timid victims of abuse, change themselves into what they perceive as glorious works of art. I have seen these gay men try to compensate for all they were without, and become their own ideas of perfection; work hard on themselves, their bodies and their lives, to make up for all that they lacked in high school. The gay community has provided a window for them to climb through and free themselves from pain.

It’s become an almost tragic coincidence that the men I’ve encountered who have changed the most are often the ones who feel they have the most to prove. The psychological trauma of a disjointed and troubled youth runs deeper than mere skin and muscle, and with those changes, those efforts at self-improvement, I’ve seen attitudes shift, and personalities alter – for the worst. Cue a tragic recompense, as these gay men bully and attack one another, living vicariously through a high school persona that they never got to experience.

I see it all the time. Gay-on-gay bullying. Bitching and drama and adolescent chaos.Men attacking other men, over bullshit as simple as talking to someone online, shaming individuals on their social media profiles. Direct call-outs by name and face, not just your usual ‘what’s the deal with this headless profile?’ – Hostility and subtle harassment the likes of which Mean Girls taught us not to commit. The bullied become the bullies.

I think I’m more sensitive to it all because I was a victim.

Fresh out of high school, I tried to ‘find myself’ in the gay community – the bright new world of acceptance and love. Only to be ousted by a group of homosexuals who apparently took issue. It started off as, ‘you said something bad about our friend’ – (never substantiated, but I digress) – ‘so we’re going to say bad things to you’. Bickering ensued, back and forth, back and forth, and I thought it was, in the early stages, just a bit of fun and banter.

That was until I started receiving phone-calls; getting threatening messages; being set upon by hordes of mutual friends. My face, published on their profiles, upon which terrible things were written and said. I shit you not; an actual website was made, satirising my personal writings. It escalated into the offline realm; shouts of abuse and public threats. A couple of them began a running joke, wherein I was a rodent, and I should kill myself with rat poison.

When I took the online content to the police in a folder, to file a report of ongoing harassment, the folder numbered over fifty pages. Over fifty pages of online bullying, from a group of gays, none of whom could remember what I had said or done.

A mild bump had become a full-blown tumour, and before I knew it, I couldn’t handle it anymore. It became a dark time in my life, and even though it’s been a number of years, I still feel pangs of angst and hurt when I look back on it.

These people were in pain, so they began to inflict it upon others.

Your words have power, and the worst possible scenario to arise from an adolescence of persecution from teenage villains, is to become the villain yourself.Think about the way you treat those around you, and perhaps this community, so oft stagnated by high school era bullying and hate, can grow and evolve. Let’s not allow the torment we suffered in high school to seep into the way we treat one another now.

I remember that my bullies told me I wouldn’t amount to anything. That I’d never be a writer, and no one would ever publish anything I wrote.

So it only seems fair that I would publish this now, years later, and let all of these young gays know, who might feel harassed and tormented by those around them – that I know how it feels.

Through years of hurt and persecution, the troubles of an angst-filled childhood, you have grown.

Don’t become the persecutor. And don’t let these people tear you apart – because you are so much stronger than you know.