'5 Golden Rules Of Gay Online Dating'

This piece was originally published in full on SameSame.com.au, Thursday 26th November, 2015, available here. Some contributions made by SameSame's editor.

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Back in times of yore, gay men had to go down to the local cruising spot wearing a handkerchief in their back-right pocket to score on a Thursday afternoon.

Nowadays however, we rely on nabbing tail through a variety of colourful online dating apps.

There’s several apps which vary in function: Grindr, Scruff and Hornet, for the homos who want everything from good conversation to a quick root-and-boot. Then there’s Tinder andOkCupid, for those who might just be looking for someone to love. And if you’re a gay man on a desktop who wants to get down to the point, you can even hop on Squirt or Manhunt for some ready-made action.

There are many more – trust me – and I’ve just named the ones I’m most familiar with. They are also apps solely for gay men – bar Tinder and OkCupid – as I’m less inclined to reference services I have no business exploring.

Each service provides a different appeal, and the characters that frolic in each one vary like the colours of the rainbow. I’ve experimented with all of them over the past several years. And ultimately, I’ve witnessed some behaviour and learned a thing or two about online dating through the process of my exploration.

Which is why I’m qualified to be your gay app Agony Aunt. Lie down and put your feet in the stirrups, because I’ve got some firm advice to ram home…

Include a clear photo of your face

Dating in the online realm is meant to present a convenient alternative to dating in real life. To go without a clear face photo is to suggest one is hiding from ASIO. If I ever found myself on a blind date with a headless torso, I’d be more inclined to run screaming into the night than put out after my third beer.

Use a photo of your face. We want to see your marvellous mug, not your shirtless torso five years ago after you’d conveniently gotten back from the gym.

Of course, some folks are closeted. Stay strong, soldiers, and provide a face pic as early as you can in the conversation.

Engage in conversation

Nothing gets the ball rolling quite like using “Sit on my face” as your opening line.

Some apps give you more leeway. Grindr and Hornet in particular will let you discretely plug that you’re looking for fun ‘Right Now’.

But still, context is everything. Ask yourself: Is enquiring about fisting a query best saved for later? He asked how my day was going – do I need to let him know about my diaper fetish? And more importantly: Would I ask this person to urinate on me – over coffee at the local cafe?

Wait for the opportune moment.

Similarly: I know dating apps are referred to as ‘the fast food of sex’, but surely you can do better than ‘Hey, hru’. Get creative with your texting. There’s a world of words out there.

Don’t send unsolicited nudes

I’m guilty of this, but that’s only after 3am on a Sunday morning while plastered off tequila. My Grindr profile genuinely reads “Regularly delete this app out of shame.”

I always wonder what goes through the mind of men who decide to send unsolicited nudes. “How best can I win this strange man’s heart?” There’s really no reason to send a photo of your genitals straight off the bat.

Especially not when it’s poorly angled with harsh bright flash, and I can see your toilet in the background. Classy.

Although, on some of the raunchier apps – like Squirt – it’s acceptable to show off your Prince Albert.

Don’t be racist

This is referring to the trend of ‘no blacks, no asians’ – and other racist garbage written on dating profiles. If I had a dollar for every time I heard “It’s just a preference” from a man on a dating app, I could buy an island to maroon them on.

Remember: When hooking up, it’s best to say what you ARE looking for, not what you’re not. It makes you sound like an idiot with attitude if you’re saying “no” to various groups of people right up-front.

If you’re not into an entire race of people because you’ve met every single one of them and decided to broadcast that they’re all unappealing, then go for it – but be quiet about it. That’s only if you’ve met and engaged with every single one of them, though. Every single one. Otherwise you’re just an ass.

And lastly, be a decent human being.

If you’re on a dating app and aren’t interested in being romanced by a stranger, the best thing to give is a simple ‘Sorry, I’m not interested’. Their heart will go on.

But if he’s taken the effort to send you a creative what’s up – if he simply wants to chat – then is it really necessary to leave him in total silence? Or worse, tell him to fuck off?

Ask yourself: Am I perhaps a bit of a disappointment? Did something happen in my childhood to make me this way? Do I maybe need to log off?

Welp! I’m spent. That’s the end of my guide. You’ve taken my wise words, my well-seasoned advice – and you’re now ready for online dating. Or Grinding. Or Scruffing. Or hell, even Squirting.