'The True Gay Agenda Revealed'

This piece was originally published in full at YourFriendsHouse.com on July 7th, 2015, available here.

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It would seem that the first world has itself in a spin over the LGBT community. With Ireland’s homos winning the marriage vote, and the United States Supreme Court legalising it across the entire country, the proverbial rainbow is shining bright and true. Equal love for all and same-sex marriage acceptance are topics vibrating with mainstream intensity. We’ve done well, ladies, gentlemen, and all those in between.

Like with all signs of progression however, there have been groups rallying against the cause. Australia remains the last English-speaking Western country to legalise same-sex marriage. Ministers and members of our own community are actively holding us back, not just religious conservative groups.

Eric Abetz, the conservative Liberal cabinet minister, was the last person to make such a public opposition, making the ominous statement that same-sex marriage seeks to “undo the institution of marriage”, and that it’s “the latest fad” which would have “other consequences”.

“Other consequences”.

Bigoted men like Eric Abetz continue to pound away at us, time and time again, thrusting hard and fast from behind with the whipping force of their anti-gay opinion. As though us homos have something to hide. As though our goals are not ones for progression and equality, but for a unique and citrusy blend of chaos and control. Men like Abetz speak as though we have some sort of vile scheme up our sleeves. For so long, this has been the suspicion.

Well, friends: I’ve had enough. I’ve had enough of living in the dark, as these old and ridiculous men pick away at our cause like fleas, trying to scrape downward to the hidden messages beneath. I’ve had enough of inequality, and of the suspicion, the ridicule and the anti-gay sentiment.

It’s time I came clean, for all of us who have been sworn to silence. It’s time I spilled our communities’ darkest secrets, ones that were written by our elders many decades ago, scrawled on the walls of toilet cubicles far and wide. It’s time I revealed… the true gay agenda.

Eric Abetz, you claimed that same-sex marriage would create “other consequences” – that it would open the Pandora’s Box to unions like polyamory. And to that say I say- Abetz… you’re not thinking big enough.

The homosexual forces do not just wish to legalise same-sex marriage and pave the way for polyamory. Oh, no. We wish to desecrate all of your precious heterosexual unions. We will tear down the institution of marriage itself, hurl gasoline upon its decrepit frame, light a match – and cackle wildly as the cinders of your beloved rituals turn to fire and ash. At which point we will then fornicate in unison, as gays cannot sustain loving relationships with a single partner.

To the Christian lobby, I say: gays don’t want to simply destroy your Christian marriages. No, no. You’re doing that well enough without us as it is. No, what we desire is the destruction of your churches and the conversion of your good Christian children. Because, like the demons you write about in books, our flesh burns to a crisp at the mere sight of Church spires, so we must remove them from our new world.

At which point our lesbian women will transform into winged bat creatures – their true forms – and pluck your good Christian children from your crumpled church houses, carrying them off for their conversion, screaming into the night.

In the big gay war for humanity, the public toilet blocks, where all gay men once lived to spread disease, will become conversion camps for the children of tomorrow. They shall be trained in tolerance and loving acceptance – hush now, don’t cry, my dears – and schooled in the homosexual arts, like sodomy, witchcraft and interior design.

And, when marriage and the Church have both fallen – the fundamental basis of all functional societies – we shall install a new world order.

Homophobia will be eradicated. Advertisements of all kinds depicting heterosexual couples will be removed, replaced by adverts containing homosexual couples. Straight people will be used as furniture. Heterosexuals will be the butt of most stand-up comedy jokes, and straight comedians will elicit crickets from audiences worldwide.

Your governments will be destroyed in one foghorn cry of “YASS, QWEEN” – taken down with ease and fashionable finesse. World leaders will be replaced by LGBT icons, like Kathy Griffin, Laverne Cox and Margaret Cho. All national anthems and political nationalism will be wholly eradicated, and the world will unite under the euphoric trance anthem of ‘Believe’ by Cher.

We won’t just legalise same-sex marriage in this bold new world. No, no. We shall legalise ALL forms of marriage. Man and woman! Man and man! Woman and THREE men! Man and kitchen condiment! No one will be safe.

And those who would rebel against this turn of civilisation would face cruel fates. For lesser crimes, such as refusing to provide services for a gay wedding, you would be forced to sit through two seasons of Golden Girls. We might even force you to marry a gay person, as was always our plan.

For those who commit more heinous crimes, such as using Joan Rivers’ name in vain, the punishment shall be fierce and debilitating. You will be forced to stand front-and-centre in a gay pride parade; dance, cheer, and chant songs like Macklemore’s ‘Same Love’ and other Godless hymns.

So, Minister Abetz, I don’t believe you’ve gone far enough. Polyamory is not the only evil hiding inside our trimmed and waxed Pandora’s Box. These are our plans, and our communities’ darkest secrets. If you bow to our demands, we may show mercy…

But if you refuse us, then you will face the effeminate wrath of one thousand angry homosexuals.

You cannot resist us, for we are many. You cannot fight us, for we have already won.

And we are coming, Abetz. We are coming.

'What I Learned Dating Older Men.'

This piece was originally published in full on Your Friends House. Reposted here to my personal blog.

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I’d like to preface this by saying that I am a recently unemployed early-twenty-something living la vida loca in the big city. This means that not only do I not know how to adult, but I also don’t really know how to date. My idea of a hot date is a cheap Chinese dinner, a seedy bar, and a lot of “I think I really like you, but I also kind of want to throw up from the seven-dollar bottle of wine I drank before we got here”.

That being said, I’ve definitely tried. I’ve dated around the block. I’ve had my fair share of good times, bad times, and times I’ve had to fast-forward into one-night-stands because I’m pretty sure I never want to see them again. However, in all of my relationship exploits (and sexploits), none have quite matched up to the curiosity of dating an older man.

By older, I don’t mean “Billy’s finally got his license so he can go buy some vodkas for the girls” – I mean older. I mean aged. I mean well-versed in things like how to tell the difference between Hendrick’s and Gordon’s gin, and somehow proficient in budgeting and cleanliness. Things you and I young folk wouldn’t understand.

I mean old enough to be your dad. Or maybe even a little bit older than that.

As it turns out, if there’s one thing I do understand – chalk it up to an analytical mind – it’s the experience of dating an older man. I think my wealth of knowledge comes from the fact that I am a skinny gay boy, and that means older men are somehow drawn to me like flies to feces – or, as the slightly gross hint-hint-incest gay community expression often goes; like dads to sons. Yuck.

After reviewing some of these points with some straight female friends, we’ve agreed collectively that they all stand strong and true. In no way am I trying to suggest that younger guys are worse than older guys. These are just the experiences of one dangerously thin homosexual man, one oft mistaken for a sixteen-year-old girl.

So without further ado, here are some of the things I’ve learned dating older men.

They’re incredibly careful with you.

To them, you are practically a newborn. You are a proverbial clean slate, a starry-eyed youth preparing to take on the world, one cheap pot of beer at a time. If you text them while intoxicated after three or four pints, they will assume you’ve been smoking meth with criminals. They will plead with you to catch a cab to their house, where they will feed you water and bread, until you feel inclined to fellate them as a thank-you. Older men like to think you’re incapable of doing anything by yourself. Which is perfectly fine by me, so long as you keep booking those Ubers’ on your card and footing the bill at breakfast.

They’re constantly surprised that you might have a brain.

Maybe I don’t look like the sharpest tool in the shed, but I find it amazing just how many times I’ve had older men say to me, “Wow, you’re so mature for someone your age!” – Those words, in that exact order. It’s like they think that just because I’m in my early twenties, by default I spend my days doing nangs in a sharehouse, and giggling mindlessly over episodes of The Big Bang Theory while my mate packs a cone. Is Generation Y really doomed to have to prove themselves to old blokes time and time again? If you can hold a sentence together without so much as drooling down the side of your cheek, or looking like you’ve short-circuited, you’ve basically won their heart.

They want to recapture their youth vicariously through you.

Older men seem to have a crippling desire to return to their youth. Let’s face it – ageing happens, and when you hit a certain age, you start losing tautness and tone in places you were sure would never feel the effects of gravity. If it’s not the way they gaze lovingly upon me, as though I were the Taylor Swift to their succubi-Madonna – it’s the sheer number of beauty and anti-age products I’ve seen lining their bathroom cabinets and the tops of their shower stalls at any given time. When age starts to weary thee, the reality is, you want to know you’ve still ‘got it’ – and what better a way to achieve that than by doing a young person who is totally down? After all, you’re only as old as how you feel or who you’re feeling.

They’re collectively better in bed.

There, I said it. It’s the point you’ve all been waiting for. Young people might have more stamina and willingness to go at it than older people do, but older men just straight up know what they’re doing. And what’s better, they actually want to please you, and will not stop until you’re done. They want to know what you like, and they want to take it slow. They’re tactile, sensuous, appreciative and cautious at the best of times. Once you’ve been with a man who was probably married at some point in his long life, younger guys seem like selfish, mindless thrusting machines when it’s all said and done. Older men are just better in bed. And why wouldn’t they be? They’ve had years of practice.

Ultimately: I’m a kidult. A child masquerading as an adult. I am confused, askew and oftentimes dwindling in the wind, waiting for my next pot of Melbourne Bitter on tap to help me fail to understand the complexities of my existence. And sometimes, it’s nice to know that there’s someone out there who has at least figured half of it out. Who has trekked through life into a state of reasonable understanding, and has their own well-reasoned answers to my million tragic questions.

Maybe that’s the appeal of The Older Man – that they’ve perhaps got their shit together. Just as they might vicariously re-enjoy their youth through me; I might vicariously attempt to feel some sense of success through them.

If you’re curious about the ways and wiles of the mature older gentleman, or you’re up to feeling a tad objectified, or maybe you just want to know a bit more about how to save up super: Date an older man. Because even though they might not be exactly where it’s at – they’re where we’re all headed.