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Masculinity is one hell of a drug. Never is this idea more apparent than to those who feel they might lose it.
Such was the case this week when an Australian pair of entrepreneurs announced the launch of their working space known as Nomadic Thinkers, labelled a “hybridised co-working model with a gym space” – one that is exclusive to men. The goal was for men to collaborate and work creatively together, as a way of combating a perceived lack of male community in society. Upon unveiling the space, the company came under fire, being criticised as running a needless exercise in Boys Club exclusivity in an already male-dominated tech sector.
The real conflict and philosophy behind Nomadic Thinkers arose when critics examined their blog – which has since been shut down – that reveals their belief that “feminism has gone past its [intended] point”, that “boys have been babied and coddled on cotton wool”, and that it’s “becoming common for men to be persecuted for expressing their masculinity”. They essentially argue that their spaces are necessitated by an emasculation of men in society.
These alleged notions of feminism being toxic towards masculinity and that ‘manliness’ is being stifled are not uncommon in some schools of thought. Men’s Rights Activists having touted these reactionary ideas for decades. They have desperately clung to the thought that their masculinity is threatened, and in turn their own wellbeing.
Yet is the presence of women, or the feminist lens through which many view the world, truly the framework that contributes to the troubled psyches grappled with by men? Or are the ‘men-should-be-men’ attitudes shrouding these groups contributing to these problems?
As an unabashed gay man, I’m all too aware of the predetermined set of characteristics and attitudes that are expected of men: our binary gender roles. By merely existing as an out homosexual and not a hetero rife with brute machismo, it’s by virtue of my sexuality that I’m deemed to be intrinsically less of a man. My gayness has seen me abused, bullied and even bashed, all because it differs from that which many view as the norm.
In society, men and manliness are often measured by traditional elements of masculinity; our strength, our stoicism, our power and ability to dominate – but we are ridiculed for any traits that reflect femininity, such as perceived weakness, emotion, affection and vulnerability.
Spaces that foster community between men are to be celebrated, as the capacity for companionship amongst men has been severely limited by our hesitance to embrace vulnerability. There is a very real lack of camaraderie and increased rates of loneliness that perpetuates mental illness amongst men. Groups like Men’s Sheds take great leaps towards providing avenues for men to build connections with other men, in environments that don’t thrust an onus of manliness upon them, rather allowing them to engage with one another on their own terms.
Some spaces like Nomadic Thinkers fall flat, however, when they adopt traditional ideas of masculinity, insisting they are to be strived for and reclaimed. When some imply that the higher rates of suicide amongst men and boys exists because manliness is being shafted in favour of emasculated cuckoldry, they do a disservice to not only men and boys, but to a society fumbling under the weight of gendered expectations as a whole.
In truth, it’s not women, or feminism, nor any ‘erosion of manliness’ that harms and hinders us. It’s those inherent elements of masculinity. Masculinity denies us the capacity for emotion and vulnerability by insisting that any expression of it must be accompanied by shows of strength and power. It rejects fragility in favour of might, and dismisses vulnerability as weakness.
But when we ridicule these men for trying to find avenues to bring other men together in community, we run the risk of not only pushing them further away, but also leaving them to stew in their own misunderstandings. Through our mockery, we only reinforce their ideas that the unpacking of gendered behaviour is oppressing them, and we limit their willingness to look inward and deconstruct their own gendered conceptions.
When men struggle under the weight of these ingrained expectations, such as the necessity of power and strength, and when they lack the gentle hands to guide them towards understanding the unfairness of their given roles and lots in life, these men at best become agitated and repressed – and at worst, they become varying shades of suicidal and violent.
Suicide, loneliness and the inability to express emotion are troubling concerns that affect men at large, ones which manliness in its most toxic forms serves to perpetuate. Instead of stamping out these attempts at fostering community by ridiculing them for ‘missing the mark’, we should redirect their efforts towards understanding how masculinity itself harms them.
Beards and blokiness are all good and well. But until we’ve targeted the truer cause of their internalised peril, and helped them denounce the harmful elements of masculinity, we can never truly foster community spaces that permit men the freedom to be themselves.
Whether that freedom is expressed through strength, through love, or even vulnerability.
I agree
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