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At the fresh-faced age of 24, I’ve been single for my whole life. I attribute this to intense social awkwardness and crippling anxiety. My idea of getting to know a man is to vomit lots of facts about myself over dinner and then apologise profusely.
So it should come as no surprise that I have thoroughly enjoyed the world of online dating. Grindr, Scruff, Hornet, the flirtatious web browser equivalents that are mostly for getting off; I’ve done them all.
However there’s one app that isn’t discussed enough by us homos – mostly because it’s so popular with the straights. That app is Tinder. At a point aeons ago, I opted to give it a crack, setting up a profile and rudely unleashing my visage upon the world. I’ve been swiping ever since.
What continues to surprise me, as I finger my way through the endless mob of homosexuals, is the fact that I seem to encounter the same gentlemen, in different bodies, over and over again.
Now, since I’m a truly terrible person who is looking forward to a life of solitude, I’ve opted to fill you in on the men you’ll meet on Tinder.
Because like most everyone else: I’m not one to brutally stereotype other gay men, except for those times where I absolutely am.
The Guy Who Wants Love
This guy takes Tinder seriously. His entire personally seems ripped from the dreamers in He’s Just Not That Into You. You can tell he’s interested in finding a life partner because he reminds you repeatedly. Within three messages he’s asked you for coffee. He’ll smother you in affection, but you can’t help but feel he’s projecting his desires onto you.
SWIPE RIGHT IF: You’ve planned your wedding since you were twelve, complete with Alicia Keys’ I Aint’ Got You as your “song”.
The ‘Clean-Cut’ Guy
Polished; knows his key lighting. His first photo is of him lying on Ikea furniture. The second is of him out for Sunday brunch or at a gay club, with a man-friend who helped build said Ikea furniture. Often comes with a Strong Gay Circle, all of which are identical and who loudly identify as members of the Real Housewives Of Melbourne. Uses the nail-painting emoji unironically.
SWIPE RIGHT IF: You’re willing to be a Gamble Breaux to his Gina Liano.
The Bearded Homo
This man is a bearded gentleman who, unsatisfied with the crowd at his local gay dive bar, has taken to Tinder to find another beard to brush up against. The pursuit of personality has been wholly abandoned, in favour of chasing facial hair, musculature, tattoos and chequered shirts. He’s the ‘hipster’ version of the Clean-Cut Guy. May mingle with other crowds, but only momentarily before returning to the man-cave.
SWIPE RIGHT IF: You grow the hairs on your face. Fascinating.
The Down-To-Earth Guy
This guy works in finance and is just looking for a real bloke with a head on his shoulders. He has no expectations and isn’t sure what he’s doing on Tinder, but here he goes, he guesses! His hobbies include fitness, skiing, gym selfies, Having A Laugh, and appearing as alarmingly sane as he possibly can. He also loves to travel.
SWIPE RIGHT IF: You’re an amorphous blob.
The Artist
Whether he’s a painter or a writer, this man is deeper than the Marianas Trench. He will probably write about your date on a blog. He’s passionate about gender theory and the rising price of Champion Ruby tobacco. He’d like to tell you about his zine.
SWIPE RIGHT IF: You’re keen on modelling for his subversive nude art project.
The Picky Queen
I’m unsure how this guy found his way onto Tinder, given that his persona is Grindr-chic. He’s just sick to death of the gay community, and aren’t there any normal guys out there? He wants to angrily tell you all the things he’s not interested in. He’s surprised when you un-match with him.
SWIPE RIGHT IF: [This space has been intentionally left blank]
The Party Girl
This guy is too old to be hitting it so hard. All of his photos are of him laid out on share-house floors, cradling a beer in one hand and a rollie in the other. His possible trust fund pays for the MDMA he scoffs at warehouse parties on the weekends.
SWIPE RIGHT IF: You’re looking for something casual, because he will break it off after several one-night-stands claiming personal hardship.
The Polyamorous Couple
This adorable duo want to introduce a third to their adventurous love nest. Their interests include weekend trips, hiking, and cooking extravagant feasts. They’re the nicest couple you’ve ever met, but… something doesn’t feel right. Is this discomfort… fear? Are you even ready for this? Are you… a closed-minded basic? What would your mother say?
SWIPE RIGHT IF: You won’t. You’ll swipe left, and spend the rest of your days wondering what could have been, if you’d only opened your cold, dead heart.
The Naked Guy
Dude. What are you doing?
SWIPE RIGHT IF: Just don’t.
‘The One’
You’ve never known the answer to “What do you want in a man?” – until this profile comes along. He’s gorgeous. He’s employed in a field that’s both stable and fascinating. In one of his photos he is holding a dog. You’ve finally found the one you’re going to meet, date, and one day marry. Finally, a break. You’ve met your last match.
SWIPE RIGHT IF: You are ready to have your heart broken. You won’t match, and he’ll never be seen again. Farewell, beautiful stranger.
These are the gay men of Tinder. Exceptions will apply – but not really.
Good luck finding your soul mate, and happy swiping!
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