'I went to a naked gay bar'

This article was originally published on SameSame.com.au, on the 4th of August 2016, available here.

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I should start by saying that I have no hang-ups about sex.

I’ve hit up my fair share of saunas and cruise clubs in my time. Yet gay culture can so often feel superficial and obsessed with the body beautiful. In the past I’ve struggled to appreciate my body, as someone who’s never taken a gym selfie since I’ve never been inside a gym.

So when I got invited to attend a nude gay bar – that is, a regular-old homo drinking hole, with the added bonus that everyone there is completely naked – I was decidedly nervous.

ADAM is a men-only night on Mondays and Tuesdays at Sircuit Bar in Melbourne, co-presented by DownAnDirty with the Victorian AIDS Council, and describes itself as their take on “the Fitzroy local pub”.

Happy hour starts at 6:30 when the beers are $2 a pot. The pool games are competitive and the banter is plentiful. They also partner with Wet On Wellington, a gay sauna around the corner, giving you $5 entry there when Adam shuts at midnight. Nightcap?

The catch is: You’ve gotta strip down on entry, and spend the rest of your night in nothing but your shoes.

They had their birthday last Tuesday night, and I was asked to go and check it out. My editor clearly thinks I’m a slut.

Now, I’ve been to several of the sexy gay soirees here in Melbourne. In most of these environments, the expectation is that you’re basically there to get your fuck on. These nights don’t particularly run off intellect and good conversation, so a lot of the more muscled and strong-jawed blokes generally rule the school.

Adam was apparently a socially nude alternative – but that didn’t stop my anxiousness. The lead-up was spent panicking about whether or not I was pretty enough (insert Kasey Chambers reference), or if the two beers I chugged to ease the nerves would give me a beer gut before I’d even left the house.

I arrived – and was met with dozens of naked bodies scattered about the bar. Even the bartenders were naked. The smoking room was veiled from public view by a huge black drape. Up in an elevated booth, a professional masseuse – also nude – was giving free rubdowns (although fair warning: the massage oil will make your ass a slip-and-slide. Wink, nudge, etc)

I paid my entry, and got given a bag for my clothes. Stripping down, I stepped out of my pants and into my shoes, and hopped to doing what I do best: drinking large amounts of liquor and ogling strangers at the bar.

Without ever having attended Adam, one might assume that the event would be a sex-fest; an orgy of brimming testosterone, with the “uglies” left on the sidelines while the “pretty boys” have their own fun. I came prepared for just another gay night, all sleaze and superficiality.

However, spend an hour boozing with the guys here, and you’ll quickly realise it’s purely a social night – with fewer clothes.

It was Fitzroy’s local pub with a nudist twist. Not long after registering that yes, those are a swarm of penises; you eventually forgot that you were even naked. The bodies – in all of their many shapes and sizes – faded into a blur, until all you were left with were faces and names. It was suddenly too easy to chat and make friends.

And before you shout “Sounds like another night for dumb gay sluts, if you ask me! I was raised to hate my sexuality.” – nobody tried to grope me. Although shout-out to the dude who whispered in my ear, “You’re lucky kidnapping’s illegal”.

If you did want to have sex, however, there was an upstairs cruising lounge. Suddenly remembering the naked body of a guy you were chatting with moments ago, is a little jarring – but fun.

Every person at Adam felt far more approachable, the conversations shared with complete strangers more involved and intriguing, without a touch of fabric on.

Did I feel… liberated? Was I suddenly sold on what they were selling? Had I, in the space of a few beers, become a full-blown nudist?

The “pretty boys” of the gay community have no power there: nobody cares about how your body looks, when every body in sight is in some way flawed, no matter how they’ve tried to gym those flaws away. Taking off my clothes had robbed me of my shallow ego.

Nudism is often seen as ‘alternative’ and out of the ordinary, but what the lads behind Adam are providing is surprisingly progressive. They’re catering to a void in a community slightly obsessed with the mirror. The organisers are even thinking of welcoming trans men into the fold, providing an inclusive space for all male bodies, and further challenging notions held by a group that so often oppresses itself.

I crept into a naked gay bar expecting to swat away hands and feel bad about myself. Instead I met some interesting new faces and felt good in my own skin.

I think they’ve made a nudist out of me.