How To Tell If Watching Too Many Horror Movies Has Rendered You Mentally Ill.

It isn’t a secret to people that know me, that I’m an avid and obsessive watcher of horror movies. The very first horror movie I watched was The Children Of The Corn, at the tender age of eleven. This film was rated R18+, and my parents bought me The Children Of The Corn box set because I kept going on about wanting to watch a serious horror movie, something other than the commercialised and M15+ rated “The Mummy” I had been exposed to earlier in life. I can remember typing into my MSN username, “MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME A HORROR MOVIE THAT’S R18+! I’M TERRIFIED YOU GUYS! WHAT IF IT GIVES ME NIGHTMARES YOU GUYS!?”

Needless to say, the little classic 80’s gem gave me no nightmares, nor was I even remotely terrified. 

Actually, you know what. That was a lie. I was quite traumatised for several weeks afterwards.

It was my first experience delving into the horror film genre, and let me tell you something. Such films should not be exposed to children at the tender age of eleven, because for the next few years I dabbled in every kind of horror film imaginable. From your typical night-time viewing of The Ring (after viewing I found it difficult to fall asleep for the next week, as I thought that as soon as I closed my eyes good ol’ Samara would crawl out from under my bed and grab me) as well as classics like Jeepers Creepers and inevitably the rest of the Children Of The Corn series - and many, many, many more.

It’s almost as though all of my horror film viewings are lost to my memory due to the fact that I’ve seen far too many for my long-term memory to store them all. Which is ironic, because supposedly your long-term memory can store an infinite amount of information, provided you possess the right retrieval cues to essentially bring such information back to “the surface”.

Every weekend my father would drive me down to the local Video Ezy, where I would spend a great deal of time lurking the Horror section, often renting around seven horror films on a weekly basis. That’s one for every day of the week. If I found one that I really enjoyed, my father would use his tech-geek savvy to burn the films for me onto disc for my perusal later. I was obsessed with the genre, and for a long time it was all that I wanted to watch, all that I craved, and no other genre would quite satisfy me as the horror genre did.

Every new horror film I watched was another dive into the realm of the impossible. Every new ghoul and ghastly being I was introduced to expanded my mind and inspired me to write about all manner of terrifying things. As someone with a thriving imagination - especially at the tender age of eleven - watching supernatural horrors gave me a bit of a kick, to say the least. It’s a miracle I didn’t turn homicidal and naturally decide to maim and kill everyone I knew and loved. 

It’s safe to say that I’ve seen well over two hundred horror films, based on the fact that to this day, and since I was eleven, I procure more and more on a weekly basis. When my father discovered the magic of downloading movies, it became a regular past-time that I searched for the latest gory horrors and demanded he download them for me. I would write lengthy lists of films for father to watch out for as he lurked torrent sites for new movies that fit his fancy. 

My bro from Jeepers Creepers. Kind of looks a little like seaweed.

While my life of staring at screens watching people get maimed to bits might strike some as appealing, I have found that with an extensive knowledge and understanding of the horror genre comes a few interesting changes in personality, as well as a few questionable characteristics that are developed once one dabbles in the horror genre for an extended period of time. It is safe to say that watching far too many horror movies in my time has caused me to develop some interesting habits, which four hundred years ago would no doubt cause one to want to burn me as a witch.

What I’m here for, however, is to remind those suffering from similar issues that what you’re doing… is okay. That what you’re feeling, and the habits you’ve developed, I understand. I can relate, and I’m here for you. I’m here to tell you that what’s happening to you isn’t abnormal… well, that is to say it’s happening to other people right now. I’m here to let you know that we’re fucked, but I understand. If you’re unsure of whether or not horror films are affecting you in a way that is questionable by society’s standards, I’m here to list the five main symptoms of mental hysteria brought on by excessive gore-porn and horror-film delving. Hence, this blog:

How To Tell If Watching Too Many Horror Movies Has Rendered You Mentally Ill:

I remember when I used to be a child, watching a horror movie would freak me out a lot. After the completion of the film, I would go to bed feeling nauseated and terrified for my life. Every time I would shut my eyes, a ghoul would flash before me, ready to plant a knife in my chest. At least, that’s what I thought would happen as I rest my weary head. However, growing older, I find now that I no longer feel this sense of terror. This, I feel, is the first step to knowing whether or not watching too many horror movies has rendered you mentally ill.

1) You find yourself desensitised to the trauma of it all.

Having said that, films such as the Saw and Hostel series are made to make one cringe, so cringing at such films even when you’re overtly desensitised isn’t a shameful thing. Squeamishness for you, however, would knock other people out cold. I look back at films I used to be mortified by, and I laugh to myself. I remember watching one film called Jeepers Creepers 2 when I was around thirteen. The idea of an ancient and archaic bat-man attacking a bunch of kids in a school-bus late at night scared the shit out of me. Nowadays, however, I watch the film and chuckle to myself, laughing at the thought that the bat-man has such a sheen of sweat upon his face, and such a texture to his inhuman mug, that I’m suddenly hungry for teriyaki chicken.

The typical approach of an uneducated filmgoer to watching horror movies is to yelp, cry and be generally shocked and appalled at the experience itself. Many a time I’ve sat in a cinema with a friend, and had to tolerate them nearly jumping through the roof when a shocking scene played out - you know, those ones with the “boo”-scares attached. While they cried out in horror, I sat there not knowing how to feel, sensing the boo scares, knowing they’re on their way, and barely jumping even a centimetre. Sometimes I’ll forget where I am, however, drifting into a state of boredom, and be brought back to reality with the boo-scare. That makes me jump an inch at least.

2) Boo-scares aren’t boo-scares any longer.

It’s really a given, I’d imagine. You know you’re not quite all there in the head when you’ve experienced so many horror films that those moments where you’re supposed to jump up and down in fright don’t affect you anymore. Even those who claim to be horror aficionados might still let out a slight yelp at the most well-executed boo-scare. But not you, my mentally-unstable friend. You’ve seen so many in your time that the boo-scare could happen to you in real life, and you still wouldn’t know how to feel.

Another thing that I find to be a very plain example of horror movies affecting your health is when you find yourself re-enacting scenes from them in your spare time. It could be a mere reciting of lines from a film, spoken in front of a mirror. You could suddenly begin talking to yourself about a film - that is, speaking to yourself as though someone else is listening and responding naturally. Either way, bearing witness to these moments of slight insanity tend to cause one to question someone else’s mental state. However, when you yourself are reciting lines or re-enacting bloody scenes from a film, and someone points out “Hey, mate… that’s not… that’s not quite right.” - you stare at them quizzically for a short period of time, wondering what on Earth they’re talking about.

God knows I’ve done it. God knows I’ve often re-enacted death scenes in my head, replacing characters from films with people that I loathe from the real world, as a quiet way of taking out my frustrations, easing my disdain for them ever so slightly, for the sole purpose of ensuring that I don’t one day snap and kill everyone. A greater indication of mental instability, however, is the physical feeling of joyousness when in your mind you’ve successfully maimed and killed your arch-nemesis in a fashion similar to a Saw-film death trap. 

3) You find yourself mentally re-enacting scenes from the film, inflicting pain in your mind upon those you loathe.

It's time for your lobotomy, I feel.

In more extravagant forms, I’ve often found myself visualising scenes from films that go far beyond your usual torture-porn. When you find yourself visualising yourself as a vampire, stalking your enemies in the night - that’s when you know you’re most likely suffering from the effects of a horror film obsession. When you’re mentally envisioning wrapping barbed-wire tendrils around the throats of those you hate with a passion, like that seen in the Silent Hill live-action film, I feel it’s time to start pondering your options - that is, pondering whether or not you require mild medication or something more severe. Like valium. When you’re dreaming up scenarios whereby you possess an army of zombie nurses, ready to set scalpel and hacksaw upon your enemies at your call, that’s when you need to consider admitting yourself into an asylum, where some human nurses might come to your aid.

Another thing I find customary to the viewing of horror films, is reeling back in horror when someone is slowly tormented and tortured, having each of their limbs removed by forces unknown to you until the very last scene. When watching a scene where someone is mutilated in ways not even real-life mutilators have thought up, one tends to feel quite squeamish. I’ve seen people desire to vomit at the sight of blood and gore. I’ve seen people leave cinemas because the things they’ve witnessed, they didn’t think were even remotely possible nor appropriate for cinemas. I’ve seen achilles heels’ sliced and diced, I’ve seen intestines removed - hell, I’ve even seen Paris Hilton get sliced up, which is more of a blessing than a curse. These things tend to cause someone pain and anguish, especially whilst watching them.

You, however, whilst watching them, will laugh. You see the action occur, and you chuckle to yourself. You watch that journalist bitch from Hostel 2 get slowly violated with a scythe whilst she dangles from a chain, being hacked by a naked lady laying beneath her, and you laugh heartily - because let’s be honest, you found her really fucking annoying. You snort in amusement when the asian from the first Hostel film throws herself in front of a train after seeing her scalded right eye, and every time a busty blonde with her tits out gets impaled on Jason Voorhees’ machete, you laugh hysterically - because God knows, they deserved it for spreading syphilis around.

4) What makes others cry out in anguish, you cry out in hysterical laughter.

It’s a true indication of mental instability brought on by excessive watching of horror films. It’s a sign that you’ve seen so many deaths occur, so many zombies and ghouls in your time, that essentially you’ve seen it all, and you laugh hysterically at the umpteenth death occurring before your eyes. Your first splatter scene will make you cringe, but after the thousandth lost limb I imagine you’d be quite sick of it all. There comes a time in every horror fans life when they start counting the bodies falling to the floor, start stereotyping every character on screen, and start laughing as they’re chopped into pieces or pulled into an abyss by that creepy bitch from The Grudge.

When Rose McGowan died in Scream, I was overjoyed.
She pissed me off so much that I would have killed her myself.

Finally, my friends, we’re up to our very last point on how one can tell when horror movies have affected their mental health. You might have thought that the previous dot points were a true indication of how insane you really are, but I think this one truly takes the cake. In order to properly stress how valid and superior this point is to you all, I’m going to lay it out to you in a scenario form.

You’re lying down with your woman at the end of a long and stressful day. Your two close friends are lying in the other room, no doubt getting it on ever so slowly. Two couples in a house, alone at night, with the parents out for the weekend. It’s a blissful time for you, and you’ve been thinking about doing something with your girl that you hadn’t had the balls to do beforehand. You decide it’s time. You lie down with her, and undress her ever so slowly, taking in every inch of her feminine features.

Eventually, you get it on. You have sex, then suddenly, the deed is done, and you’re both lying there sweaty, panting like dogs. Your girlfriend slowly begins to fall into slumber, and you’re left there staring at her, taking in her delicate features glistening with sweat from the act you’ve just engaged in. You reach behind you, pulling something out of your bag that you’ve been meaning to give to her for quite some time.

A swift movement, and you’ve dug a sharp claw into her stomach. She cries out from the pain as blood gushes out across the room. You remove the claw from her stomach, letting the blood flow freely, and begin slashing her up and down her form, tearing her clothes to bits and you smile as she screams in agony. Your friends in the other room hear this, and attempt to break the door down - but they cannot. They call the police.

When the police arrive, you’re found on the floor with the bloodied claw in your hands. They question you on what happened. They’re perplexed when you sit there referring to your dead girlfriend as “Tina”. When they ask you what possessed you to slice up your own woman, you say:

“It’s what Freddy Krueger would have done.”

That’s right, my friends. That’s the truest indication of mental insanity. Going out of your way to re-enact bloody scenes from films because you’re that thoroughly obsessed. That’s the scenario-form summary to point number five:

5) You actually go out of your way to kill people in the same fashion as horror film deaths.

When you’re sitting there, in the mental asylum, straightjacket strapped to your shaking body rendering you incapable of movement in any way, shape or form, with a nervous tic in your eye and an unfathomable quantity of medication by your bedside, know one thing. That I salute you. Because you, dear mentally unstable patron of the genre, are a true horror film aficionado. You are the one who goes out of your way to bring the genre to life. You are beyond refraining from jumping at a boo-scare, and you are far from feeling nauseated at a severed limb. You’re the real deal, man. You’re untouchable. You’re like the Elvis of horror films, or if you’re a woman, you’re the Madonna of scream queens.

Alas, if you find yourself incapable of ticking every box, just know that even if you’re not up to slicing up your neighbour or terrorising them like Dollface Gemma Ward did in The Strangers, you’re still lacking your wits about you. Even if you can’t check off royal number five, you can still safely brand yourself as mentally unstable when even the idea crosses your mind.

That, my friends, is how you know. That is how to tell if watching too many horror movies has rendered you mentally unstable. If you’re aware that you possess any of these characteristics, then that means you’re as obsessive a watcher as I, and we should definitely be friends.

Maybe one day we’ll open our own Hostel. There could be some real money in that, you know? I hear some people would pay good money for an American girl.